Flip the Script

Imagine there is something or someone very dear to you. You love it/them so much that you think of it/ them day and night, every waking moment. Even in your sleep, you dream of it/them. 

Slowly you realize that the thing or the person that/who was once dear to you now starts to become an obligation, a commitment that your brain cannot let go of. 

Gradually, the joy turns into anxiety and eventually to pain. 

Have you ever stopped and wondered why a thing of joy has now become your source of pain? 

Okay - Let's ditch the abstract talk and get specific. 

Say you are a parent. You give birth to a child. 

Day 1 - The baby brings you so much joy, he/she is the purpose of your life.

Year 1 - You will do anything for your child, you'll give the world or even your life if needed.

Year 5 - Your child is one of the sources of your joy. 

Year 10 - Yes, your child brings you happiness in life. Also, there is a tinge of fear or sadness you feel along with the love and joy. Fear that your child faces a dangerous world, sadness that your child may not need you like they did just a couple years back.

Year 13 and beyond - You start feelings pangs of anxiety and pain. Anxiety because you should let them learn the ways of the world as an individual. Pain because your ways no longer work and the child who was once your source of joy is now a source of anxiety and fear and everything that comes with it. 

Hey - I'm not saying this is the case with all parents. But let's be honest - We all have our fears about our children. The society in which they are growing up is not the same in which we grew up. We cannot ask them to live the same way we lived, for a few exceptions. 

There is this need to see the world from their eyes, how much ever difficult is is for us and to meet them where they are. 

At the same time, we also want to control the outcomes in their life, because who are we kidding? Parents everywhere want to do the same thing. How much ever capable our children are, we still see them as the baby who came into our lives on day 1. Reason for this being - ownership. We may think that we "created" the child and so we "own" them by default. And ownership comes with control. Control over all areas; control to elevate the thing of joy to its maximum potential; optimize, optimize, optimize. 

Anywhere there is a desire of possession or ownership and control, there is always pain. And control is an illusion. 

There is a saying about love - When you love something, do not try to possess it but nurture it. 

Same applies to our love for our children - We love them so much that we feel the need to possess them, to own them, to control every single thing so that both of us experience only happiness in life. That again causes pain - You see the cycle?

Now, let's try and flip the script. To do that, we need to understand the true meaning of love. 

What is love anyways? It is nurturing and elevating our loved ones, enabling their growth, creating conditions in which they can optimize their potential, seeing them happy always - Doing everything that we always want to do but from the position of truly loving them instead of possessing them. 

It's almost like a detached attachment. It's letting them go in real life but holding on to them in our minds - with the objective of seeing them blossom to their fullest potential. 

Flipping the script helps us find happiness in our loved ones' happiness. It helps us love our people more without smothering them or feeling negative emotions ourselves. 

This applies to anything or anyone in our life. Let's nurture and not possess.  

When the effort to possess and control goes out of the window, pure joy and love steps in, multiplying as they ripple! 

My writing pad from Class VIII

This time on my trip to India, my Grandma showed me this writing pad the she had kept from our old stuff. From what is written on this, it is the writing pad I used when I was in class 8. 

Haasini was so happy to see this old writing pad of her mom that she shared pictures of it with her friends. We calculated that this is 25 years old! 

I shared this on my Whatsapp status. So many friends sent me several messages of nostalgia. My best friend asked me to create a permanent record of this memory on my blog and here it is - A recollection of my memories from class 8. 

Friend, if you are reading this, this is for you.

8th standard was a unique year of my life. One when I learned the concept of impermanence, without actually realizing it (till now). It was a time I was lonely but independent, lost but found many of my strengths, had no friends but made some relations for life! 

It was during the summer vacation of my class 7, in the year 1999, that my parents decided that we'll shift from Madurai to Madras (it was Madras then). The plan was that my Dad, Grandma and we both kids (me and my sister) will go to Madras by the month of May and my mom will apply for her promotion and transfer during 2000 Jan-March. We are to live with my Dad and Grandma in Madras and my mom will live with our other Grandparents in Madurai.

It was all fun and exciting in the beginning - First time moving from a smaller city to a metro. So many things to know and see. 

For the first time, I understood the existence and meaning of dialects in Tamil. Some words we used in Madurai and some slang weren't used in Madras (for example, in Madurai we add "iynga" to verbs - Poraiynga, varaiynga, solraiynga. It was used only with friends and younger people as it is a bit disrespectful). In Madras, if we used the same slang, then we were identified as "Madurai kaaranga." 

Some of such things were taught to us by relatives who settled there and so many other things were learned as we lived and went to school there.

I strongly believe that the friendships that form or continue during the early teen years hold strong. I had to leave all of my friends in Madurai to go to a new school in Madras. It was difficult for me to break into already existing friendship groups. Kids were highly competitive and did not even consider newer kids, that too kids from a smaller city like Madurai (yes, that was a thing then). So, I became friends with the other new girl, Gaargi, who also joined in Class 8. 

How do I keep in touch with friends back home? Telephone wasn't an option as during 1999-2000 not many of my friends' home had a landline telephone. So, we decided that we'll write letters to each other. 

I had about 8 friends from Class 7. I took all of their addresses and shared my address so that we can write. I was to initiate the communication as I was the one who moved. 

It used to be a weekly ritual for me to buy inland letters from the stationery store on the way back from school. Daily ritual to check the letter box to see if I got any letters from friends. I read each of their letters a thousand times and reply to them immediately. Sometimes when my friends did not write to me for a few weeks, I clearly remember writing letters on why writing to each other was important 😂😁 

That the post box was right on the place my school van stops was super helpful. I post them on the way to the van in the mornings.  

A new thing in the Madras school was that everyone should converse only in English else there'll be a fine. It was not the case in my Madurai school. Though it seemed a strange rule, it wasn't intimidating. I loved conversing in English. It went to the extent that when friends came over to my house or oh phone calls, we used to converse only in English! 😊

Partiality was big in the Madras school. The teachers like a set of students and only those will get a 100% mark. The others always get 99 or 98, though we wrote the same thing on the answer sheet. We (the group who gets 99 and 98) have conspired to write the name of the 100% group instead of our own on the answer sheet so that we might also one day get full marks 😂

That was also the time I got close to my Athai (dad's sister) and started listening to so many stories of yogis, spiritual souls and spirituality. I used to love our conversations on the topic as she did not shut me down but encouraged me to read more on yogis and spirituality. That relationship continues even today. When I went to her house this time around, all we spoke was spirituality.

I heard the concept of waxing for the first time in the Madras School. I was asked if I waxed my arms as there were no hairs on them. I did not understand what it meant but from the context was able to make out it is something to do with hair removal and replied accordingly. That was one bad habit I picked up from the school - pretending to know things so that people won't mock you or ignore you. Had to put up a face like I know what I'm doing. This is where I was super lost but learned a lot and found my strengths.

Not having my mom around all the time was difficult in some ways (She used to visit us alternate weeks or once a month if I recall correctly). I picked up a few bad habits as there was no one to question me. I let my mind wander - maybe because of my age or my surroundings. I learned things that I would've never learned if I hadn't left Madurai. 

The most difficult part was coming back to Madurai - in terms of friendship. My mom did not get the promotion and transfer as expected and so we had to wind-up our experiment and come back home to Madurai. We went to our old school again. This time, everything changed. Friendship circles were formed from which I was excluded. Friends were shocked that I came back and had to make arrangements / adjustments to include me in their life. I always felt like an outsider from then on in my life - no best friends, no groups that I belong to.

I never realized all these memories were locked within the writing pad! Thank you friend for the motivation, as always! 😊

Nostalgia and Passing it On

 I have very vivid memories of visiting the Meenakshi Amman Temple in Madurai when I was little. 

I was very lucky to have grandparents who lived in the "town," near the temple. We used to walk to the temple on Fridays to worship Meenakshi. Google maps tell me that the distance from my Grandparents' place to the temple is about 2kms - which is far for a 4 to 6 year old. 

As "Madurai Karanga," we are supposed to visit Meenakshi first and then Sundareswarar. That is the "Idheegam" my Grandma used to say. We never visit the Sundareswarar sannidhi first. Sometimes, we only visit Amman Sannadhi and come home! Such ardent Meenakshi fans we are 😊

As a child, one of the motivations to make the 2 + 2 km hike back & forth is the prasadam stall within the temple. I loved the appam and murukku they sold. We go to Amman sannidhi, Swami Sannidhi, say hello to the Mukkuruni Vinayagar and on the way back to Amman Sannidhi (yes, that's the be all and end all place 😊) is the prasadam stall!

We buy appam and murukku (It's a lucky day if we get our own appam and murukku without having to share) and sit on the steps of the massive (then) theppakkulam. There is a mandapam with a gopuram in the middle of the water like an island. The God & Goddess are taken there on specific days which I don't recollect well now. Anyways, the theppakkulam is always well-lit. Sitting on the steps in the late evening, around 7pm when it's dark, with the lights from the theppakkulam and temple lamps illuminating the area, eating my favourite appam and murukku is one of my cherished childhood memories! 😍 The culmination of my temple visits 😊

I wanted to re-create all these memories for my child this time as we were taking her to the Meenakshi Amman temple. When my daughter was sick and was undergoing surgeries, I prayed to bring a healthy, walking child to the temple which we were able to accomplish this time. 

We took her to the temple the same way my Grandparents took me and my sister when we were young. First to the mottai Gopuram Muneeswarar Sannidhi, then Amman Sannidhi, Swami Sannidhi and Mukkuruni Vinayagar. 

As we returned to Amman Sannidhi, the child in me was overjoyed on what's coming next - prasadam of course 😀 Yes, we did buy appam, murukku and puliyodharai. We also showed her the theppakkulam but we couldn't sit on the steps to eat as there was construction and renovation going on for the upcoming Kumbabishekam (By the way, Haasini read the Tamil word Kumbabishekam correctly! 😊). We had to eat them in a Jigarthanda stall opposite to the temple. The appam was just how I remembered it from my childhood. 

While going around the temple, we kept telling stories of the temple to my daughter. I kept showing the guards statues outside each sannidhi, the Natarajar who changed his dancing leg, described how Shivan and Meenakshi looked within the Garbagraham, showed her the Vennai Anjaneyar, Veerabhadrans, the 108 different types of lingams, 63 Nayanmar statues, Saptha Kanni statues, and so many things. 

After we came out, my daughter asked me - "Amma do you love this temple a lot?"

I was like, "Why do you ask?" 

She replied - "You were like a Chandramukhi showing Ottiyaanam, nethi choodi back there" 😂😂😂😂😂