Days of contradicting emotions!

I’ve lived 2 consecutive days of contradicting emotions. 

Contradictions within the same day and to what extreme! 😄

First day was Friday, August 1, 2025. 

Before I get into the contradiction, let me share some background on my best friend from Engineering college, V. V and I studied at the same college, got placed in Wipro together, worked on the same final project for Engineering, got trained together at work and were on bench together 😅 Those were the days, the days we forgot gender differences, the days when we shared our biggest dreams, strongest hopes, deepest fears and darkest secrets without the fear of being judged or jealousy (OMG da V, you know too much about me 😅 and vice versa). 

We grew really close during our Wipro days, helping each other navigate both work and life situations. He is one of the three people in my life who are allowed to address me with a “di” (as in “ennadi pandra?”) and that is a special reservation. Our friendship also continued after I left Wipro, got married and he left for the US (he is a scientist brain), got married and I immigrated. I wouldn’t say we were in constant touch but we can go back to Wipro days in just 2 minutes into a call. V is a gem of a person!

Back to August 1, 2025 - That was the day V was coming to the US side of the Niagara Falls. He lives in LA and doesn’t travel to the East often. The previous times he did, I wasn’t in a position to visit him just on the other side of the bridge. Now that I am, I was really eager to go visit him - not realizing that I’m no more the girl who worked for Wipro. And it’s not my fault to build hopes because the last time I saw him was 10 years ago! 

Okay on that day it happened that we couldn’t go to the Niagara Falls, USA because my husband wasn’t able to take a leave. And the fact that I was (am) super non self-sufficient to go by myself was killing me the most of all. Though I had the license, if I just had the courage to drive down by myself. I was angry on myself (total rage actually) for missing the opportunity to meet my dear friend. 

Then the evening rolls in and I remember the plan we had to meet our most favourite family on earth for dinner! And mind you, it was a year since we all met after being in each others’ hair for over a year (they got sick of us 😅). It was a wonderful get together and I felt super elated. In fact, I was waiting for them with the same feeling I had when I was waiting to meet my love for the first time in person lol. 

A very angry and sad day ending on this high a note! Was too much for me to process.

Second day was August 2, 2023

The day we planned to buy remaining gifts for our upcoming trip to India. The plan was to go to the premium outlet mall near Toronto and buy gifts for the wedding couple and a few others and return home in about 3 hours. Simple. 

The daughter didn’t want to come with us initially because the travel is 1 hour (!!) and she will be bored. Then we convinced her saying she is the best gift selector (which she really is).

She always has the habit of reading (blame me!) or sleeping in the car. She sprawls herself in the back seat and sleeps like she is sleeping on her bed at home. That day also she was doing the same, reading and sleeping in the  back seat.

We reached the mall and the multi-level parking was super occupied. We kept going one level after the other looking for a spot for about 10 minites. Finally we found a spot in level 4 and parked our car. We’d go to the Fossil store and buy 3 gifts and that’s it. We all get outside, except that not all of us got outside. My daughter was taking her time. She does that always, has to put on her shoes, fix her hair before stepping outside. But that day, she was taking longer than usual. Because her seat belt got stuck!! 

She’s opened the seatbelt buckle and it just got stuck half way up tightening the grip on her tummy!! Maybe it got tangled because of all the twisting and turning and it wouldn’t let go. We try pulling it out of the hook but it wouldn’t budge. She couldn’t wriggle outside as it was really tight with no wriggle room! Whatever we do nothing was happening except it got a slight bit tighter because of our tries 😖 

Me and my husband were panicking, not knowing whether to cut the seatbelt up or use some technique from YT videos (none of them worked). We were lost, our brains stopped working. We approached the parking guard there for help as we couldn’t think of any more options. 

The parking guard checked and he said that we couldn’t do much without tools and asked us to go to the Canadian Tire nearby to wrench out the lower part of the seatbelt. That sounded like a good idea and we looked up the nearest Canadian Tire. It was 10 mins away. 

The drive there was the hardest and the most revealing of all. My husband and I were scolding my daughter for being careless. The grip on her tummy was tight and she was trying to manage our tempers and the grip and so confused as to what was wrong. When we realized that, we calmed down on the outside but we’re still panicking inside. 

In all of these, my daughter was the epitome of calmness. She wasn’t panicking, she managed the grip on her tummy by inserting a finger between the seatbelt and her tummy and adjusted her position so that it doesn’t hurt her too much. When I told her to not be scared, she said, “I’m not at all scared, I know that you’ll both do something or the other to get me out of here.” 

In those words, I got my sense back. I felt so small in front of my 12 year old child and said that I was really sorry. Asked her to take out her finger and helped her with mine. Shared some soothing words with her which she didn’t seem to need. Even in that situation, the only thing hurting her were our words. Such a gem of a human being our child is!! ❤️❤️

We reached Canadian Tire and got a guy with a Muslim name (it is important that I mention this here as you’ll see) to come to the parking lot to assess the situation . He was super young, maybe just starting out. He came out to take a look and quickly understood the situation. He told my daughter that he’ll help her as quickly as he can. Turns out that the workers cannot get tools outside without work authorization order and it takes time. He brought along another guy who again checked quickly and both of them went back in. The Muslim guy came back out again this time with one more guy and a wrench. He was telling the other guy in Hindi that a child is stuck (Bachcha hai, phasa hua hai). Quickly got to work loosening the screw. He was also taking to my daughter as he worked through it to make her feel comfortable. Got the screw out in 2 minutes and relieved her!!! ❤️❤️❤️ 

Then he told us that he wasn’t allowed to take the tool outside  but he still got it as it was a child who got stuck and brought along another person to be a witness in case he got in trouble. When my husband tried to pay him, he said, “No, no, Allah, Allah, I’m just helping” and walked away. That incident restored my faith in human beings a lot! I’ll never forget the face of that young man and the way he cared for us and went out of his way to help us. I’ll keep the good heart in my prayers ❤️❤️🙏🙏

We were all relieved that my daughter was finally free without any injury. Hugs and kisses and sorrys were shared. We went back to the mall though I had no intention to go back because of everything that happened. We still went. 

I always wanted a rose gold Fossil watch for myself. It’s been my dream for about 5 years to buy one. I’ve never tried on rose gold watches before but I somehow knew from the pictures that it would suite me so well. I saved all watch pictures to be used one day. We were going to the Fossil store to buy gifts.

The thought of the rose gold watch didn’t occur to me till we bought all of our gifts and a few sunglasses. After billing them, we wanted the watches to be engraved with the names of the couple to make it personalized for them. It took 25 minutes for engraving. Meanwhile, we were going around the store looking at other things. There were rose gold watches but not the ones I wanted. I kept looking up pictures of watches I saved and asked the associates if they had those pieces. Most of those designs were outdated or no more made.

There was one last picture that I had and with not much hopes, I asked to see that piece. The associate took me right to the shelf and placed the watch right on my hand!! I was super elated, like a big dream come true! It did suite me, and how well!! 🤩🤩

I wanted to buy it right there and my husband gifted it to me. I couldn’t contain my happiness 😊 We also engraved the watch with my name “Sowmy ❤️” I couldn’t have been happier!

From a scared mom to the happiest person in the world, my emotions again went on a roller coaster that day 😅

Heart Vs Mind

Logic Vs Love

Practicality Vs Fantasy

At times Societal Norms Vs Passion

Those are the conflicts that forever exist in all of our lives. 

People who can find a middle ground are the millions of ordinary people we see living on this planet.

People who get to the mind side are the uber successful, wealthy people - per societal norms.

People who get to the heart side are the tormented souls. Such people, 

    Do not have a place in the society as they do not abide by the rules posed. 

    Are super individualistic and self-respecting that they cannot give up on themselves by not following their heart.

What does this have to do with me now? 

I'm not sure. 

I was thinking about the things that one cannot have (one can never have) because of so many unwritten "rules" and it led me to this. 

Maybe "Things that one can never have" is another blog post for another day. 

The Run

 I am running

Every minute, every day, all the time!

What am I running towards? I don’t know

What am I looking for? I don’t know 

However, the run is only constant.

Even now when I’m sitting perfectly still, I’m running -

       Towards what I need

        Towards what my soul needs

         Towards what my whole being wants 

         To feel better, to feel happy, to feel alive, to be human

But what is that thing that will make me feel happy?

        What is that thing that will fill my heart and nourish my soul and the human in me? 

I don’t know.

I think that’s why the run is constant. 

Running towards an unknown destination is painful 😖 

The mindless chase, constant search, the forever empty void

I try pouring self-care, self-love, me time, loneliness, meditation and growth into the void to see if it will fill up and make me feel better.

I try dumping blind selflessness, carrying others’ cross, going out of my way to make others feel happy and better, serve my family to the best of my ability - emotionally, physically and financially, lend ears to whoever wants to talk - just to see if the void will budge even a little.

I even try things that I don’t believe in - idol worship, religious chants, worship and devotional songs - NO! 

The void is so cruel that it won’t give in. Till I find out what satisfies the monster finally, I’ll keep running…. 

Metamorphosis!

It's so fascinating how much a person can change in a span of 7 years! 

I'd say that I've experienced the growth of all 30 years in a span of 7 years plus that of those 7 years! That's why life's been so difficult lately. There's always one thing or the other that I have to learn and there is always one level up than where I am. 

It is exhausting to keep learning, keep levelling up, keep growing when you are at an age that the world thinks is "old enough." However killing this process is, I won't trade it for anything else because it is as rejuvenating and liberating as it is killing. The rebirth is so worth it. 

The word "liberating" is transitioning this post to a much practical and "general world-view"  😄 

Re-reading journals or any piece of your writing from the past is enlightening and embarrassing at the same time! One such posts of mine is "Letting Go."

The person who wrote that post (from where I am now) has a fairy-tale view of the world with her rose-tinted glasses on. Doesn't understand the "ways of the world" and was living in her head. Naive and immature for her age.

I'm a 360-degrees different person now but never realized that till I re-read the post a couple nights back (thanks to a friend who randomly asked for the link to my blog). However, the one thing that hasn't changed is the way words pour out of my fingers once the flow is set 💛 As I always say, my brain is directly connected to my fingers than my mouth 😄 

Okay - Back to the "Letting Go" post - I'm gonna contradict everything I said in that post. 

The act of coming to Canada with no plans, no job and not even a house rented could've been the greatest blunder we ever committed in our life. But thanks to God's grace and a few great people's goodness of heart, we survived. Will I attempt something like that again? Never!!

Thrill of uncertainty? Throw that out of the window. I should either know what is going to happen the next minute or I should exercise control so that I will be in the know. Even when it is a vacation, I have the whole itinerary planned including places we'll eat each meal of everyday!

However, No uncertainties = No growth. 

Changing gears a little here (and these topics are somehow coherent in my mind 😁) - There are a few posts in my blog talking about mediocrity and the road not taken - maybe at the time to express my desire for change especially in my career.

I've achieved the change!

From being a developer, I've changed my career path to be a program delivery consultant (oooh sounds fancy!!) doing a wide variety of things that I enjoy 😊

The path was hard - Started with total quitting, realizing that I was an emotional person and rejecting myself, doing random things and wandering random places and obsessing over things or people, unaware that it was all a part of the "soul-searching" process, till I finally happened upon the Digital Marketing course at a college in Downtown Toronto. 

Even at the time, I didn't realize that it was me taking steps towards change. 

Okay back to uncertainties - my current job is so different from one day to another. I go with a plan and the day throws completely different things at me. I so love the challenge and uncertainty each day brings. Uncertainty - mostly to do with my lack of experience. 

Each day is so uncertain that me being me - the control freak, wanted at least some thing in my life to be certain. So took up Mridangam classes (yes, I know!). While playing the Mridangam, I know that if I strike a note, that is exactly what's going to be played. Practicing the instrument restored a sense of control in my life.

However, no uncertainties = no growth. So, I'm going to embrace it as tight as possible. 

There are so many other examples of uncertainties - from my child's second surgery to me losing my first job but I choose to keep those stories to myself, for now. I'm sure they'll soon find a place in my blog. 

The woman who landed in Canda in 2018 will never be able to understand the woman that I am now. She was too naive, too gullible, too stupid to see the ways of the world and open for others to judge. Basically, a "Paithiyam" as one of my friends call me. 

The woman writing this post now is thoughtful and cautious, curious and looks at things from so many different angles; Sees and understands the world's ways, from a practical sense and not in the fairy-tale sense. Her rose tinted glasses are gone for the most part; Has to be in control - of herself, her family and her surroundings because she knows what it is like to not understand and not know. 

I love being this person. 

That doesn't mean that I don't like the person I was. I'm this because of her. I'm not angry at her and for that matter not even embarrassed of her, rather I understand why she was what she was. 

I think that's the way to be - In peace with who you were and accepting the person you are, whole-heartedly! 💛💛💛

If you've been with me so far, this post is just a reminder that you have the permission to be a different person tomorrow, the next week, the next month, the next year or like me, 7 years from now. As a philosopher once said - "Day by day nothing changes but after a while, everything is different!" (Remembering my friend Andrew who loves punctuations and grammar and gets angry when they aren't used properly). So, give yourself the permission to change, to be a different personality altogether or many different personalities that you can pick and choose from. There is just one life but you have the chance to be different personalities/persona. Embrace change and don't be afraid of growth. 

Oh, by the way, I just realize that my IG handle is "the_infinity_persona." However, I've never thought about the topic this deep before writing this post. Proves that your sub-conscious mind is always aware of who you are, just that your ego wouldn't accept it 😊

Thanks for reading about my metamorphosis. I'd love to hear your stories of change.. 

The first line of my LinkedIn bio is, "Change is the only constant." Who knows after 7 more years, I'll cringe at this post and write another contradictory post of more growth. I'm so eager to meet her though I'm well-aware of the hard journey that I may have to take.