Random

Thank you Mr J for your statement - "Don't blame your child, you are lazy" (the man in my life is sitting behind me, reading as I type and says - "Idhu ennamo unmai dhan" - This is true :D ) - it woke me up early today and made me write this post.

It is so wonderful how the mind works, going from one thought to another requiring a simple connection between the two. An example follows. I saw a girl who was crossing a part of the road between two volvo buses that are very close to each other, back to front. She is also on a call with someone. I wonder how is she able to do that without any fear, I would not. May be she trusts herself that she will be able to quickly move away if required. May be she trusts the driving skills of the volvo bus driver.

As I think of this, the thought of my "Things to accomplish in this year" comes to my mind. One of them being "Learn to drive a car". As I think of learning to drive a car, I see how congested the road is, and how skillful a person must be to drive a vehicle on such a road and wonder if I would be ever able to drive a car on this road. As I wonder, I think of why am I not confident enough when there are so many others who can do it (On the side, another thought is going on - my mom and dad both learnt car driving but could not drive it on the road because they were 40+ and were less confident. May be I am getting old, OMG so old that I lose confidence? Horror and no-am-not-so-old feelings cut this chain off while the other chain still continues). Then there is a determination to enroll myself to driving classes (till date it is not done!).

All of a sudden my attention is drawn to that one small piece of music from my favorite song (When one song becomes my favorite, I make sure that I listen to it to death, till I know all minute beats. A song looping for a hundred times is a very usual thing in my life) that I have missed listening to for so long. Yes, with all the above thoughts going on in my head, I was listening to music and suddenly the 2:56th minute of a 4:25 minutes song catches my mind by it's throat chocking the chain of thoughts. Then I keep repeating that single piece of music again and again wondering how did I miss this and Whatsapp my cousin Karthik about this and we wonder together :P :P :D :D (Anyone relate to this? Me and Karthik often do this, he recommends songs and I recommend pieces from it back to him)

How I wish I knew..

I have been wanting to write something "mommie" on my blog for sometime now. I was considering a series on "Why I won't become a mom for the second time"!! Somehow it just doesn't click. 
Then today, I happened to read several articles and blogs on mommyhood ranging from grief of losing a child to what a mom wanted to tell her daughter who planned to "have a family". Then it struck me. This is what I had been dying to write about, what a mom should tell a daughter who is planning to expand her family. 

A dear friend of mine kept asking a question on several occasions of my life ranging from the time we were planning to have a child to a few months after the baby was born. The question seemed to be a very normal one for me every time it was asked. However, now I realize how powerful a question it is. I realize that if I would have come up with a better answer for it, I might have reversed my decision of having a child or at least postponed the expansion for some more time. The person who asked me the question is not a mother, just that she is a couple years older to me. 

The great question that haunts me now is, "What motivated you to decide upon giving birth to a child?". My dear friend who asked the question, if you are reading this, please be informed that the "haunt" word just means I am getting mature :) I know, for all the silly answers I had given you over time would have either made you gape or laugh. How I wish I knew better :) Thank you my dear friend for asking me the question, the stupid brain of me has waken up after 3 to 4 years of the question and lead to this blog.

My first answer to the question was, "My mother once asked me how nice it would be to have a small baby who looks exactly like your husband, with those big eyes of his, just imagine". She hit the nail perfectly. She knew how head over heels (mad actually) in love I was on him (it was almost 2 years into marriage). That was the very first thing that made me think of a having a child. How I wish I had known then that giving birth to a baby is a very normal thing but what comes after that is life-altering (with no offence to people who are struggling with problems in having a family, this is purely an opinion based on my experience).

People, especially elders at home make the young ones believe that having kids is as easy as a breeze. Okay, I hear voices on your mind saying what happened to my rational thinking and spending time on getting to know what it is to have a kid. Yes, I did think of our lives getting changed after a kid, however, no amount of reading and no amount of discussion would give you the real picture of the practical difficulties of having a kid actually. Though I did not buy the point, "Once children are born they will grow up in no time, it is easy", I never thought that having a kid would entirely change one's physical, emotional, mental self (especially of the mom) to a point of no return. Yes, I have changed completely as a person that I do not identify myself as the person I was before becoming a mom.

How I wish someone in the family told me this would happen, all the anxiety, all the fear, all panic, all apprehensions and second thoughts, guilt and doubt . Now, I even come to think that people who are parents already do not want to talk about these difficulties just to have a sadistic pleasure (how mean of me!! I know..). Else, they were all well meaning, in the sense, talking of such things would make us rethink our decision. Whatever, I did not have all the information I now wish I had known then.

My dear friend who asked me the most important question on parenting, I wish I knew the answer for your question at the right time :) 

P.S.: After reading the post, you, the reader, may ask me, am I not happy on being a parent? Do I not live my child? My answer would be, I do. I am the most happiest person (rather happiest mommy) in the world to have got an angel as my daughter. I love her more than my life. That is what scares me as a mom. You would understand this if you are a parent, especially a mom. :)

After Ages......

Oh Yeah, I happened to open my blog after ages.
I read a few of my older posts. 
I am in awe! 

Okay, I know, it is too much to awe at one's own self. Still, that is the damn fact, am in awe. 

I am surprised at the various topics I have written about. 
I am wondering at the language used. 
I even doubt if it is the same me who wrote all those posts. 

Can I write something equivalent to those posts? I doubt.
Can I use the same language even now? I doubt.
Can I get so many topics to write on? I doubt.
Can I think of so many things? I doubt. 
Do I even have the knowledge of such varied topics? I doubt.

Yes, I am not the same me. This is my conclusion after a visit to my blog.

Is it inability? inefficiency? disinterest? laziness? Am not sure.

But there was a burning urge to open my blog and read my posts and that left me with so many thoughts. I also had a burning urge to write something and that led (you know what? I was thinking, "what is the spelling of led?", right now) to this post. 

Feels both great and disappointing to write this post. 
Great because finally, I am writing. 
Disappointed because, I feel, am not the same person who left this blog all alone in this wide and vast cyberspace 2 years and 7 months back. 

Whatever it takes, I want that person back, the old me. 
The old, dynamic me who wrote everything on this blog.
The old, knowledgeable me who read every news of the day.
The old, enthusiastic me who followed friends and favorite people passionately.
The old, tactful me who was able to do it all.

Before I started this post, I was not even sure of what I was going to write. But now, words would just not stop. Okay, I guess I am the kind of writer who has her brains in her hands :P  There I go again, self-praise. :D

I really feel better now, after writing this post.
I really wish I find the "old me" back soon.
Wish me luck people :)

Take care.
Regards
Sowmy