Metamorphosis!

It's so fascinating how much a person can change in a span of 7 years! 

I'd say that I've experienced the growth of all 30 years in a span of 7 years plus that of those 7 years! That's why life's been so difficult lately. There's always one thing or the other that I have to learn and there is always one level up than where I am. 

It is exhausting to keep learning, keep levelling up, keep growing when you are at an age that the world thinks is "old enough." However killing this process is, I won't trade it for anything else because it is as rejuvenating and liberating as it is killing. The rebirth is so worth it. 

The word "liberating" is transitioning this post to a much practical and "general world-view"  😄 

Re-reading journals or any piece of your writing from the past is enlightening and embarrassing at the same time! One such posts of mine is "Letting Go."

The person who wrote that post (from where I am now) has a fairy-tale view of the world with her rose-tinted glasses on. Doesn't understand the "ways of the world" and was living in her head. Naive and immature for her age.

I'm a 360-degrees different person now but never realized that till I re-read the post a couple nights back (thanks to a friend who randomly asked for the link to my blog). However, the one thing that hasn't changed is the way words pour out of my fingers once the flow is set 💛 As I always say, my brain is directly connected to my fingers than my mouth 😄 

Okay - Back to the "Letting Go" post - I'm gonna contradict everything I said in that post. 

The act of coming to Canada with no plans, no job and not even a house rented could've been the greatest blunder we ever committed in our life. But thanks to God's grace and a few great people's goodness of heart, we survived. Will I attempt something like that again? Never!!

Thrill of uncertainty? Throw that out of the window. I should either know what is going to happen the next minute or I should exercise control so that I will be in the know. Even when it is a vacation, I have the whole itinerary planned including places we'll eat each meal of everyday!

However, No uncertainties = No growth. 

Changing gears a little here (and these topics are somehow coherent in my mind 😁) - There are a few posts in my blog talking about mediocrity and the road not taken - maybe at the time to express my desire for change especially in my career.

I've achieved the change!

From being a developer, I've changed my career path to be a program delivery consultant (oooh sounds fancy!!) doing a wide variety of things that I enjoy 😊

The path was hard - Started with total quitting, realizing that I was an emotional person and rejecting myself, doing random things and wandering random places and obsessing over things or people, unaware that it was all a part of the "soul-searching" process, till I finally happened upon the Digital Marketing course at a college in Downtown Toronto. 

Even at the time, I didn't realize that it was me taking steps towards change. 

Okay back to uncertainties - my current job is so different from one day to another. I go with a plan and the day throws completely different things at me. I so love the challenge and uncertainty each day brings. Uncertainty - mostly to do with my lack of experience. 

Each day is so uncertain that me being me - the control freak, wanted at least some thing in my life to be certain. So took up Mridangam classes (yes, I know!). While playing the Mridangam, I know that if I strike a note, that is exactly what's going to be played. Practicing the instrument restored a sense of control in my life.

However, no uncertainties = no growth. So, I'm going to embrace it as tight as possible. 

There are so many other examples of uncertainties - from my child's second surgery to me losing my first job but I choose to keep those stories to myself, for now. I'm sure they'll soon find a place in my blog. 

The woman who landed in Canda in 2018 will never be able to understand the woman that I am now. She was too naive, too gullible, too stupid to see the ways of the world and open for others to judge. Basically, a "Paithiyam" as one of my friends call me. 

The woman writing this post now is thoughtful and cautious, curious and looks at things from so many different angles; Sees and understands the world's ways, from a practical sense and not in the fairy-tale sense. Her rose tinted glasses are gone for the most part; Has to be in control - of herself, her family and her surroundings because she knows what it is like to not understand and not know. 

I love being this person. 

That doesn't mean that I don't like the person I was. I'm this because of her. I'm not angry at her and for that matter not even embarrassed of her, rather I understand why she was what she was. 

I think that's the way to be - In peace with who you were and accepting the person you are, whole-heartedly! 💛💛💛

If you've been with me so far, this post is just a reminder that you have the permission to be a different person tomorrow, the next week, the next month, the next year or like me, 7 years from now. As a philosopher once said - "Day by day nothing changes but after a while, everything is different!" (Remembering my friend Andrew who loves punctuations and grammar and gets angry when they aren't used properly). So, give yourself the permission to change, to be a different personality altogether or many different personalities that you can pick and choose from. There is just one life but you have the chance to be different personalities/persona. Embrace change and don't be afraid of growth. 

Oh, by the way, I just realize that my IG handle is "the_infinity_persona." However, I've never thought about the topic this deep before writing this post. Proves that your sub-conscious mind is always aware of who you are, just that your ego wouldn't accept it 😊

Thanks for reading about my metamorphosis. I'd love to hear your stories of change.. 

The first line of my LinkedIn bio is, "Change is the only constant." Who knows after 7 more years, I'll cringe at this post and write another contradictory post of more growth. I'm so eager to meet her though I'm well-aware of the hard journey that I may have to take. 

My new website

One big project that I am working on, thanks to my Digital Marketing Certification course at George Brown college, is my website on Indian Regional Cinema. 

What’s my story?

How many movies do you watch in a week? 1, 2, 5? I watch at least 6 movies

a week. Not just for the story telling but the technicality and art. In plain

words, I am a cinephile.

As Bong Joon Ho said, “Once you overcome the 1-inch-tall barrier

of subtitles, you will be introduced to so many more amazing films”. And I

totally agree with him.

I watch movies of all languages. However, I am partial to movies from India.

One because I lived there for 3 decades and two just because I see that there

is a dire lack of screenings for Indian Regional movies in the GTA.

Pondering over the reason, I found that there is a lack of dialogue, a

community or content around Indian regional movies. Of course, there is a

lot on “Bollywood movies”.

So, this is my passion project. I want to talk about Indian regional cinema,

see if I can lure non-natives towards it and build a community who enjoy

good Indian movies.

So, this is the URL to my website - Indian Regional Cinema Club

There are two blog posts that I wrote here:

Introduction post

Who are we? What do we want to do?

Letting Go

Liberation is to let go. Letting go of your possessions, your sentiments, your comfort zone, your control on life. No thrill equates the feeling of uncertainty, of not knowing what you are going to be doing the next minute. 

It is a task for people of (even) my generation to even imagine this. I learnt this during my Canadian PR journey. When we (me and hubby) were in the process of applying for a PR, we used to get asked, "Do you have a job there?" as the first question, the next would be, "Do you have any friends / relatives there?" and then questions on house, schooling and expenditures follow. When we reply that we do not have a job yet and we are not sure of where we are going to stay, people used give a horrified stare. People are not ready to believe that we can take life as it comes. There always has to be a plan. We want to be sure of what is going to happen the next minute, hour, day, week, month and year. When someone deviates, we are seen as outlandish. 

My husband, at one point in time, was also one in the crowd. He would not let go, he did not believe that we can survive without a job, without a plan. I tried hard and persuaded him, he half-heartedly agreed. Even now, after 10 days of experiencing uncertainty, living without a plan, his old, controlling mind peeps out now and then. But, life has been very good so far, thanks to my cousin and his family - someone who we will be grateful for, all life. 

We never thought that we will have a place to stay, staple food to eat, internet to stay connected. But all these are happening,  thanks to them. When we left India, we never imagined this treatment, we were prepared to sleep in a basement (we did not even carry a single piece of bedding). Yes, we are blessed, there are people who have to sleep in a basement. The point is, letting go of control has not been a curse for us. I will write even when it turns to be one. 

This has been an experiment as well as an experience for us. Thankfully, one that turned out positive. Anything could have happened, we could have had to spend a fortune on AirBnB's, we could have had to eat all new food, we could have not had anything to sleep on, we could have not been able to call home, we could have been miserable with a kid, we could have regretted the decision of moving. 

It may even seem stupid that we did not plan well, that too with a kid. Yes, there are things that we could have done different like bringing a dual sim mobile, bringing in more money or at least having been well-informed on how to transfer money from India to here - these 2 are the most important hurdles for us so far, I'll write down when there are more. Even then, the experiment has been favorable.

As a Ajith movie's dialogue goes, "En vaazhkaila ovvoru naalum, ovvoru nimishamum, en ovvoru nodiyum naane sedhukkinadhu daaaa..." Sometimes, it pays to not follow that :)

P.S.: Our journey of uncertainty has been possible because of fellow human beings and humanity. Let us all believe in and practice the same and enjoy the wonder of life! :)  

Simple life?

Re-reading all your draft posts are really inspiring, sometimes shocking, sometimes meh.

What we write at several points in time is largely based on our experiences / imaginations we had at that time.

When words fail, when you do not know what more to write, writing more helps! Read it again, how ironic, writing helps you write more. Living helps you live more? Sleeping helps you sleep more?!

Hopes and Dreams

Dreams are the elixir of human life.

With the hope that we will be alive tomorrow, we plan today. With the hope that someone will stay true, we plan our life together. With the hope that things will happen in our favor, we make decisions.

What is the seed of our hope? It is our dreams. We want to live life just as good as we imagine (our dreams). Dreams do not have a logic, do not check practicality, not even feasibility or eligibility. Dreams are above boundaries,  they are limitless, with no borders, no rules, no logic.

Coming to think of hopes again, it seems hope, also to a large extent, is like dream. We do not know if our hope is baseless, still we hope.

What happens if our hope gets shattered? We feel disappointed. What if it gets shattered the second time? We start doubting our hope. But the human heart is so stupid that it hopes to hope the same hope over and over and over again that it gets numb of hoping. Still it doesn't stop hoping.

Why, oh, Why?!

Because heart is also to a great extent like dream. It has not learnt it's limits. Failure after failure, defeat after defeat, conceit after conceit, it still hopes for success, victory and trust. It's like a baby that keeps going to the mother even after several times of getting ignored by the latter. Babies aren't stupid but heart is.

Why, oh, Why?!
Is life so complicated?
Is heart so stupid?
Is dream so baseless?
Is brain ignored several times?
Is brain dominated by heart?

Huh. Cos, after all, dreams are the elixir of human life and things are meant to be. 

Dad!

Lonely, depressed and fatigued.

That is all needed for a life to go miserable.

Thank you very much!

Sometimes, not taking care of one's own health is the biggest crime one can commit. This is one crime that'll have a lifelong impact on others, not the one who commits it.

Thank you very much!

Thanks for stealing all our peace, thanks for making us wander ever depressed, thanks for letting us crave for answers to questions unanswered, thanks for frightening us now and then, thanks for leaving a big hole, thanks for making us realize that unexpressed love and affection can also hurt deep, thanks for everything, except one thing. No thanks for dying.

Thank you very much!

It's been very happy to hear mom talk the way she does now, feels elated to know how she thinks you treated her. May be u wanted to treat her better one day but that one day never came at all. So, thanks again for teaching the lesson, take the opportunity when it is on hand. You cud have expressed your love or gratitude at least during the 15 apollo days.

Thank you very much!
Thank you very much!
Thank you very much!! 

On getting cheated

Hmmm.. To cheat is a great skill, coherence of lies should be maintained.
To get cheated is an equal as well. Needs no talent, no brain is to the advantage of a cheater.
But what do you think of someone who can cheat so intellectually. Showing that someone's a good friend, still have mal-intentions, outwardly genuine, inwardly, scared to think what this person will be inwardly!

Wow! Getting cheated by someone whom you trusted is such a great feeling. Am feeling the stab for the second time in my life. Wow! It feels great, really. Each time you get stabbed, its a wow, just wow. The feelings that follow is utter horrible. But the moment of stab and the time till it gets sinked in, it is just euphoric. Out of the world, out of mind, out of the sole purpose of life. Wow! Just Wow!

My dear cheater, you have won my heart in many ways than one. How coherently you have been lying to me all these days! How did you manage to not miss the continuity! How good a story did you form! And kept it so logical, so logical that I believed everything like a blind goat. Is this how a friendship is supposed to be? But I think I got outta your trap at the right moment. The things you started sharing with me, I thought it was true friendship, but now I can see what other intentions you might have had?! What if I had let you continue the story? Where would it have ended?

My dear begone friend, I feel so stupid and dumb for my own self for having spoken all those words of concern to you, for having shared all your "troubles". I feel so stupid on seeing how could somone be so stupid to have got cheated this way! You have made me make like a fool of myself, thank you. Thanks for showing me how bad can I get cheated.

The first time, I knew for quite sometime that I am getting cheated. But this time though it was an unexpected blow. Thank you very much for that. Thanks for showing me that cheaters can be of any form, can manipulate people to whatever extent. And most of all thanks for showing myself, How I get cheated easily(?!) Ha, you really won my dear betrayer friend.