Flip the Script

Imagine there is something or someone very dear to you. You love it/them so much that you think of it/ them day and night, every waking moment. Even in your sleep, you dream of it/them. 

Slowly you realize that the thing or the person that/who was once dear to you now starts to become an obligation, a commitment that your brain cannot let go of. 

Gradually, the joy turns into anxiety and eventually to pain. 

Have you ever stopped and wondered why a thing of joy has now become your source of pain? 

Okay - Let's ditch the abstract talk and get specific. 

Say you are a parent. You give birth to a child. 

Day 1 - The baby brings you so much joy, he/she is the purpose of your life.

Year 1 - You will do anything for your child, you'll give the world or even your life if needed.

Year 5 - Your child is one of the sources of your joy. 

Year 10 - Yes, your child brings you happiness in life. Also, there is a tinge of fear or sadness you feel along with the love and joy. Fear that your child faces a dangerous world, sadness that your child may not need you like they did just a couple years back.

Year 13 and beyond - You start feelings pangs of anxiety and pain. Anxiety because you should let them learn the ways of the world as an individual. Pain because your ways no longer work and the child who was once your source of joy is now a source of anxiety and fear and everything that comes with it. 

Hey - I'm not saying this is the case with all parents. But let's be honest - We all have our fears about our children. The society in which they are growing up is not the same in which we grew up. We cannot ask them to live the same way we lived, for a few exceptions. 

There is this need to see the world from their eyes, how much ever difficult is is for us and to meet them where they are. 

At the same time, we also want to control the outcomes in their life, because who are we kidding? Parents everywhere want to do the same thing. How much ever capable our children are, we still see them as the baby who came into our lives on day 1. Reason for this being - ownership. We may think that we "created" the child and so we "own" them by default. And ownership comes with control. Control over all areas; control to elevate the thing of joy to its maximum potential; optimize, optimize, optimize. 

Anywhere there is a desire of possession or ownership and control, there is always pain. And control is an illusion. 

There is a saying about love - When you love something, do not try to possess it but nurture it. 

Same applies to our love for our children - We love them so much that we feel the need to possess them, to own them, to control every single thing so that both of us experience only happiness in life. That again causes pain - You see the cycle?

Now, let's try and flip the script. To do that, we need to understand the true meaning of love. 

What is love anyways? It is nurturing and elevating our loved ones, enabling their growth, creating conditions in which they can optimize their potential, seeing them happy always - Doing everything that we always want to do but from the position of truly loving them instead of possessing them. 

It's almost like a detached attachment. It's letting them go in real life but holding on to them in our minds - with the objective of seeing them blossom to their fullest potential. 

Flipping the script helps us find happiness in our loved ones' happiness. It helps us love our people more without smothering them or feeling negative emotions ourselves. 

This applies to anything or anyone in our life. Let's nurture and not possess.  

When the effort to possess and control goes out of the window, pure joy and love steps in, multiplying as they ripple! 

My writing pad from Class VIII

This time on my trip to India, my Grandma showed me this writing pad the she had kept from our old stuff. From what is written on this, it is the writing pad I used when I was in class 8. 

Haasini was so happy to see this old writing pad of her mom that she shared pictures of it with her friends. We calculated that this is 25 years old! 

I shared this on my Whatsapp status. So many friends sent me several messages of nostalgia. My best friend asked me to create a permanent record of this memory on my blog and here it is - A recollection of my memories from class 8. 

Friend, if you are reading this, this is for you.

8th standard was a unique year of my life. One when I learned the concept of impermanence, without actually realizing it (till now). It was a time I was lonely but independent, lost but found many of my strengths, had no friends but made some relations for life! 

It was during the summer vacation of my class 7, in the year 1999, that my parents decided that we'll shift from Madurai to Madras (it was Madras then). The plan was that my Dad, Grandma and we both kids (me and my sister) will go to Madras by the month of May and my mom will apply for her promotion and transfer during 2000 Jan-March. We are to live with my Dad and Grandma in Madras and my mom will live with our other Grandparents in Madurai.

It was all fun and exciting in the beginning - First time moving from a smaller city to a metro. So many things to know and see. 

For the first time, I understood the existence and meaning of dialects in Tamil. Some words we used in Madurai and some slang weren't used in Madras (for example, in Madurai we add "iynga" to verbs - Poraiynga, varaiynga, solraiynga. It was used only with friends and younger people as it is a bit disrespectful). In Madras, if we used the same slang, then we were identified as "Madurai kaaranga." 

Some of such things were taught to us by relatives who settled there and so many other things were learned as we lived and went to school there.

I strongly believe that the friendships that form or continue during the early teen years hold strong. I had to leave all of my friends in Madurai to go to a new school in Madras. It was difficult for me to break into already existing friendship groups. Kids were highly competitive and did not even consider newer kids, that too kids from a smaller city like Madurai (yes, that was a thing then). So, I became friends with the other new girl, Gaargi, who also joined in Class 8. 

How do I keep in touch with friends back home? Telephone wasn't an option as during 1999-2000 not many of my friends' home had a landline telephone. So, we decided that we'll write letters to each other. 

I had about 8 friends from Class 7. I took all of their addresses and shared my address so that we can write. I was to initiate the communication as I was the one who moved. 

It used to be a weekly ritual for me to buy inland letters from the stationery store on the way back from school. Daily ritual to check the letter box to see if I got any letters from friends. I read each of their letters a thousand times and reply to them immediately. Sometimes when my friends did not write to me for a few weeks, I clearly remember writing letters on why writing to each other was important 😂😁 

That the post box was right on the place my school van stops was super helpful. I post them on the way to the van in the mornings.  

A new thing in the Madras school was that everyone should converse only in English else there'll be a fine. It was not the case in my Madurai school. Though it seemed a strange rule, it wasn't intimidating. I loved conversing in English. It went to the extent that when friends came over to my house or oh phone calls, we used to converse only in English! 😊

Partiality was big in the Madras school. The teachers like a set of students and only those will get a 100% mark. The others always get 99 or 98, though we wrote the same thing on the answer sheet. We (the group who gets 99 and 98) have conspired to write the name of the 100% group instead of our own on the answer sheet so that we might also one day get full marks 😂

That was also the time I got close to my Athai (dad's sister) and started listening to so many stories of yogis, spiritual souls and spirituality. I used to love our conversations on the topic as she did not shut me down but encouraged me to read more on yogis and spirituality. That relationship continues even today. When I went to her house this time around, all we spoke was spirituality.

I heard the concept of waxing for the first time in the Madras School. I was asked if I waxed my arms as there were no hairs on them. I did not understand what it meant but from the context was able to make out it is something to do with hair removal and replied accordingly. That was one bad habit I picked up from the school - pretending to know things so that people won't mock you or ignore you. Had to put up a face like I know what I'm doing. This is where I was super lost but learned a lot and found my strengths.

Not having my mom around all the time was difficult in some ways (She used to visit us alternate weeks or once a month if I recall correctly). I picked up a few bad habits as there was no one to question me. I let my mind wander - maybe because of my age or my surroundings. I learned things that I would've never learned if I hadn't left Madurai. 

The most difficult part was coming back to Madurai - in terms of friendship. My mom did not get the promotion and transfer as expected and so we had to wind-up our experiment and come back home to Madurai. We went to our old school again. This time, everything changed. Friendship circles were formed from which I was excluded. Friends were shocked that I came back and had to make arrangements / adjustments to include me in their life. I always felt like an outsider from then on in my life - no best friends, no groups that I belong to.

I never realized all these memories were locked within the writing pad! Thank you friend for the motivation, as always! 😊

Nostalgia and Passing it On

 I have very vivid memories of visiting the Meenakshi Amman Temple in Madurai when I was little. 

I was very lucky to have grandparents who lived in the "town," near the temple. We used to walk to the temple on Fridays to worship Meenakshi. Google maps tell me that the distance from my Grandparents' place to the temple is about 2kms - which is far for a 4 to 6 year old. 

As "Madurai Karanga," we are supposed to visit Meenakshi first and then Sundareswarar. That is the "Idheegam" my Grandma used to say. We never visit the Sundareswarar sannidhi first. Sometimes, we only visit Amman Sannadhi and come home! Such ardent Meenakshi fans we are 😊

As a child, one of the motivations to make the 2 + 2 km hike back & forth is the prasadam stall within the temple. I loved the appam and murukku they sold. We go to Amman sannidhi, Swami Sannidhi, say hello to the Mukkuruni Vinayagar and on the way back to Amman Sannidhi (yes, that's the be all and end all place 😊) is the prasadam stall!

We buy appam and murukku (It's a lucky day if we get our own appam and murukku without having to share) and sit on the steps of the massive (then) theppakkulam. There is a mandapam with a gopuram in the middle of the water like an island. The God & Goddess are taken there on specific days which I don't recollect well now. Anyways, the theppakkulam is always well-lit. Sitting on the steps in the late evening, around 7pm when it's dark, with the lights from the theppakkulam and temple lamps illuminating the area, eating my favourite appam and murukku is one of my cherished childhood memories! 😍 The culmination of my temple visits 😊

I wanted to re-create all these memories for my child this time as we were taking her to the Meenakshi Amman temple. When my daughter was sick and was undergoing surgeries, I prayed to bring a healthy, walking child to the temple which we were able to accomplish this time. 

We took her to the temple the same way my Grandparents took me and my sister when we were young. First to the mottai Gopuram Muneeswarar Sannidhi, then Amman Sannidhi, Swami Sannidhi and Mukkuruni Vinayagar. 

As we returned to Amman Sannidhi, the child in me was overjoyed on what's coming next - prasadam of course 😀 Yes, we did buy appam, murukku and puliyodharai. We also showed her the theppakkulam but we couldn't sit on the steps to eat as there was construction and renovation going on for the upcoming Kumbabishekam (By the way, Haasini read the Tamil word Kumbabishekam correctly! 😊). We had to eat them in a Jigarthanda stall opposite to the temple. The appam was just how I remembered it from my childhood. 

While going around the temple, we kept telling stories of the temple to my daughter. I kept showing the guards statues outside each sannidhi, the Natarajar who changed his dancing leg, described how Shivan and Meenakshi looked within the Garbagraham, showed her the Vennai Anjaneyar, Veerabhadrans, the 108 different types of lingams, 63 Nayanmar statues, Saptha Kanni statues, and so many things. 

After we came out, my daughter asked me - "Amma do you love this temple a lot?"

I was like, "Why do you ask?" 

She replied - "You were like a Chandramukhi showing Ottiyaanam, nethi choodi back there" 😂😂😂😂😂

The Immigrant Child Remorse

 Just a little heads-up before I start a series of these posts - 

I just came back from a 3-week vacation in India. The next few posts, including this one, will document my observations from my "India days." 

Now to the "Immigrant child remorse" -

As a son/daughter who left parents behind in India, you get to hear this a lot - "You are settled there? You left your parents back home to fend for themselves, right?" 

Sometimes with a sad undertone, sometimes mocking, sometimes angry. But everyone who knows your parents and meets you on your India trip makes sure to ask this question. 

Sometimes the question comes on its own - After a pause in the conversation. Sometimes, while they are talking about the good times they have with your parents, they just inject the question. Sometimes, while talking about their own kids, this question pops up. 

Whatever the situation or the emotion of the question is, what could be the answer? Do you know, reader? 

Have you been in such a situation? Have you been asked this question? What was your reply?

Me? I always answer, "Haha, yes!" And that is all. 

Initially, the question hit me hard. Made me feel guilty. Stole my happiness. A remorse that I've never felt before. At those times, my answer used to be silence. 

Then, I started analyzing - the people who ask the question. Most of the times, they are the ones with children abroad. They experienced the void and the question hung on their heads, unanswered. Because their children wouldn't answer them, they ask it to others' children who are in the same situation. For them, that's my answer - "Haha, yes!"

There are only a very few, who are genuinely concerned. They are the ones who stand by our parents in times of need and emergency. I respect these people and honour the question. To such people, I'm grateful and my reply is silent respect and gratitude. 

Days of contradicting emotions!

I’ve lived 2 consecutive days of contradicting emotions. 

Contradictions within the same day and to what extreme! 😄

First day was Friday, August 1, 2025. 

Before I get into the contradiction, let me share some background on my best friend from Engineering college, V. V and I studied at the same college, got placed in Wipro together, worked on the same final project for Engineering, got trained together at work and were on bench together 😅 Those were the days, the days we forgot gender differences, the days when we shared our biggest dreams, strongest hopes, deepest fears and darkest secrets without the fear of being judged or jealousy (OMG da V, you know too much about me 😅 and vice versa). 

We grew really close during our Wipro days, helping each other navigate both work and life situations. He is one of the three people in my life who are allowed to address me with a “di” (as in “ennadi pandra?”) and that is a special reservation. Our friendship also continued after I left Wipro, got married and he left for the US (he is a scientist brain), got married and I immigrated. I wouldn’t say we were in constant touch but we can go back to Wipro days in just 2 minutes into a call. V is a gem of a person!

Back to August 1, 2025 - That was the day V was coming to the US side of the Niagara Falls. He lives in LA and doesn’t travel to the East often. The previous times he did, I wasn’t in a position to visit him just on the other side of the bridge. Now that I am, I was really eager to go visit him - not realizing that I’m no more the girl who worked for Wipro. And it’s not my fault to build hopes because the last time I saw him was 10 years ago! 

Okay on that day it happened that we couldn’t go to the Niagara Falls, USA because my husband wasn’t able to take a leave. And the fact that I was (am) super non self-sufficient to go by myself was killing me the most of all. Though I had the license, if I just had the courage to drive down by myself. I was angry on myself (total rage actually) for missing the opportunity to meet my dear friend. 

Then the evening rolls in and I remember the plan we had to meet our most favourite family on earth for dinner! And mind you, it was a year since we all met after being in each others’ hair for over a year (they got sick of us 😅). It was a wonderful get together and I felt super elated. In fact, I was waiting for them with the same feeling I had when I was waiting to meet my love for the first time in person lol. 

A very angry and sad day ending on this high a note! Was too much for me to process.

Second day was August 2, 2023

The day we planned to buy remaining gifts for our upcoming trip to India. The plan was to go to the premium outlet mall near Toronto and buy gifts for the wedding couple and a few others and return home in about 3 hours. Simple. 

The daughter didn’t want to come with us initially because the travel is 1 hour (!!) and she will be bored. Then we convinced her saying she is the best gift selector (which she really is).

She always has the habit of reading (blame me!) or sleeping in the car. She sprawls herself in the back seat and sleeps like she is sleeping on her bed at home. That day also she was doing the same, reading and sleeping in the  back seat.

We reached the mall and the multi-level parking was super occupied. We kept going one level after the other looking for a spot for about 10 minites. Finally we found a spot in level 4 and parked our car. We’d go to the Fossil store and buy 3 gifts and that’s it. We all get outside, except that not all of us got outside. My daughter was taking her time. She does that always, has to put on her shoes, fix her hair before stepping outside. But that day, she was taking longer than usual. Because her seat belt got stuck!! 

She’s opened the seatbelt buckle and it just got stuck half way up tightening the grip on her tummy!! Maybe it got tangled because of all the twisting and turning and it wouldn’t let go. We try pulling it out of the hook but it wouldn’t budge. She couldn’t wriggle outside as it was really tight with no wriggle room! Whatever we do nothing was happening except it got a slight bit tighter because of our tries 😖 

Me and my husband were panicking, not knowing whether to cut the seatbelt up or use some technique from YT videos (none of them worked). We were lost, our brains stopped working. We approached the parking guard there for help as we couldn’t think of any more options. 

The parking guard checked and he said that we couldn’t do much without tools and asked us to go to the Canadian Tire nearby to wrench out the lower part of the seatbelt. That sounded like a good idea and we looked up the nearest Canadian Tire. It was 10 mins away. 

The drive there was the hardest and the most revealing of all. My husband and I were scolding my daughter for being careless. The grip on her tummy was tight and she was trying to manage our tempers and the grip and so confused as to what was wrong. When we realized that, we calmed down on the outside but we’re still panicking inside. 

In all of these, my daughter was the epitome of calmness. She wasn’t panicking, she managed the grip on her tummy by inserting a finger between the seatbelt and her tummy and adjusted her position so that it doesn’t hurt her too much. When I told her to not be scared, she said, “I’m not at all scared, I know that you’ll both do something or the other to get me out of here.” 

In those words, I got my sense back. I felt so small in front of my 12 year old child and said that I was really sorry. Asked her to take out her finger and helped her with mine. Shared some soothing words with her which she didn’t seem to need. Even in that situation, the only thing hurting her were our words. Such a gem of a human being our child is!! ❤️❤️

We reached Canadian Tire and got a guy with a Muslim name (it is important that I mention this here as you’ll see) to come to the parking lot to assess the situation . He was super young, maybe just starting out. He came out to take a look and quickly understood the situation. He told my daughter that he’ll help her as quickly as he can. Turns out that the workers cannot get tools outside without work authorization order and it takes time. He brought along another guy who again checked quickly and both of them went back in. The Muslim guy came back out again this time with one more guy and a wrench. He was telling the other guy in Hindi that a child is stuck (Bachcha hai, phasa hua hai). Quickly got to work loosening the screw. He was also taking to my daughter as he worked through it to make her feel comfortable. Got the screw out in 2 minutes and relieved her!!! ❤️❤️❤️ 

Then he told us that he wasn’t allowed to take the tool outside  but he still got it as it was a child who got stuck and brought along another person to be a witness in case he got in trouble. When my husband tried to pay him, he said, “No, no, Allah, Allah, I’m just helping” and walked away. That incident restored my faith in human beings a lot! I’ll never forget the face of that young man and the way he cared for us and went out of his way to help us. I’ll keep the good heart in my prayers ❤️❤️🙏🙏

We were all relieved that my daughter was finally free without any injury. Hugs and kisses and sorrys were shared. We went back to the mall though I had no intention to go back because of everything that happened. We still went. 

I always wanted a rose gold Fossil watch for myself. It’s been my dream for about 5 years to buy one. I’ve never tried on rose gold watches before but I somehow knew from the pictures that it would suite me so well. I saved all watch pictures to be used one day. We were going to the Fossil store to buy gifts.

The thought of the rose gold watch didn’t occur to me till we bought all of our gifts and a few sunglasses. After billing them, we wanted the watches to be engraved with the names of the couple to make it personalized for them. It took 25 minutes for engraving. Meanwhile, we were going around the store looking at other things. There were rose gold watches but not the ones I wanted. I kept looking up pictures of watches I saved and asked the associates if they had those pieces. Most of those designs were outdated or no more made.

There was one last picture that I had and with not much hopes, I asked to see that piece. The associate took me right to the shelf and placed the watch right on my hand!! I was super elated, like a big dream come true! It did suite me, and how well!! 🤩🤩

I wanted to buy it right there and my husband gifted it to me. I couldn’t contain my happiness 😊 We also engraved the watch with my name “Sowmy ❤️” I couldn’t have been happier!

From a scared mom to the happiest person in the world, my emotions again went on a roller coaster that day 😅

Heart Vs Mind

Logic Vs Love

Practicality Vs Fantasy

At times Societal Norms Vs Passion

Those are the conflicts that forever exist in all of our lives. 

People who can find a middle ground are the millions of ordinary people we see living on this planet.

People who get to the mind side are the uber successful, wealthy people - per societal norms.

People who get to the heart side are the tormented souls. Such people, 

    Do not have a place in the society as they do not abide by the rules posed. 

    Are super individualistic and self-respecting that they cannot give up on themselves by not following their heart.

What does this have to do with me now? 

I'm not sure. 

I was thinking about the things that one cannot have (one can never have) because of so many unwritten "rules" and it led me to this. 

Maybe "Things that one can never have" is another blog post for another day. 

The Run

 I am running

Every minute, every day, all the time!

What am I running towards? I don’t know

What am I looking for? I don’t know 

However, the run is only constant.

Even now when I’m sitting perfectly still, I’m running -

       Towards what I need

        Towards what my soul needs

         Towards what my whole being wants 

         To feel better, to feel happy, to feel alive, to be human

But what is that thing that will make me feel happy?

        What is that thing that will fill my heart and nourish my soul and the human in me? 

I don’t know.

I think that’s why the run is constant. 

Running towards an unknown destination is painful 😖 

The mindless chase, constant search, the forever empty void

I try pouring self-care, self-love, me time, loneliness, meditation and growth into the void to see if it will fill up and make me feel better.

I try dumping blind selflessness, carrying others’ cross, going out of my way to make others feel happy and better, serve my family to the best of my ability - emotionally, physically and financially, lend ears to whoever wants to talk - just to see if the void will budge even a little.

I even try things that I don’t believe in - idol worship, religious chants, worship and devotional songs - NO! 

The void is so cruel that it won’t give in. Till I find out what satisfies the monster finally, I’ll keep running…. 

Metamorphosis!

It's so fascinating how much a person can change in a span of 7 years! 

I'd say that I've experienced the growth of all 30 years in a span of 7 years plus that of those 7 years! That's why life's been so difficult lately. There's always one thing or the other that I have to learn and there is always one level up than where I am. 

It is exhausting to keep learning, keep levelling up, keep growing when you are at an age that the world thinks is "old enough." However killing this process is, I won't trade it for anything else because it is as rejuvenating and liberating as it is killing. The rebirth is so worth it. 

The word "liberating" is transitioning this post to a much practical and "general world-view"  😄 

Re-reading journals or any piece of your writing from the past is enlightening and embarrassing at the same time! One such posts of mine is "Letting Go."

The person who wrote that post (from where I am now) has a fairy-tale view of the world with her rose-tinted glasses on. Doesn't understand the "ways of the world" and was living in her head. Naive and immature for her age.

I'm a 360-degrees different person now but never realized that till I re-read the post a couple nights back (thanks to a friend who randomly asked for the link to my blog). However, the one thing that hasn't changed is the way words pour out of my fingers once the flow is set 💛 As I always say, my brain is directly connected to my fingers than my mouth 😄 

Okay - Back to the "Letting Go" post - I'm gonna contradict everything I said in that post. 

The act of coming to Canada with no plans, no job and not even a house rented could've been the greatest blunder we ever committed in our life. But thanks to God's grace and a few great people's goodness of heart, we survived. Will I attempt something like that again? Never!!

Thrill of uncertainty? Throw that out of the window. I should either know what is going to happen the next minute or I should exercise control so that I will be in the know. Even when it is a vacation, I have the whole itinerary planned including places we'll eat each meal of everyday!

However, No uncertainties = No growth. 

Changing gears a little here (and these topics are somehow coherent in my mind 😁) - There are a few posts in my blog talking about mediocrity and the road not taken - maybe at the time to express my desire for change especially in my career.

I've achieved the change!

From being a developer, I've changed my career path to be a program delivery consultant (oooh sounds fancy!!) doing a wide variety of things that I enjoy 😊

The path was hard - Started with total quitting, realizing that I was an emotional person and rejecting myself, doing random things and wandering random places and obsessing over things or people, unaware that it was all a part of the "soul-searching" process, till I finally happened upon the Digital Marketing course at a college in Downtown Toronto. 

Even at the time, I didn't realize that it was me taking steps towards change. 

Okay back to uncertainties - my current job is so different from one day to another. I go with a plan and the day throws completely different things at me. I so love the challenge and uncertainty each day brings. Uncertainty - mostly to do with my lack of experience. 

Each day is so uncertain that me being me - the control freak, wanted at least some thing in my life to be certain. So took up Mridangam classes (yes, I know!). While playing the Mridangam, I know that if I strike a note, that is exactly what's going to be played. Practicing the instrument restored a sense of control in my life.

However, no uncertainties = no growth. So, I'm going to embrace it as tight as possible. 

There are so many other examples of uncertainties - from my child's second surgery to me losing my first job but I choose to keep those stories to myself, for now. I'm sure they'll soon find a place in my blog. 

The woman who landed in Canda in 2018 will never be able to understand the woman that I am now. She was too naive, too gullible, too stupid to see the ways of the world and open for others to judge. Basically, a "Paithiyam" as one of my friends call me. 

The woman writing this post now is thoughtful and cautious, curious and looks at things from so many different angles; Sees and understands the world's ways, from a practical sense and not in the fairy-tale sense. Her rose tinted glasses are gone for the most part; Has to be in control - of herself, her family and her surroundings because she knows what it is like to not understand and not know. 

I love being this person. 

That doesn't mean that I don't like the person I was. I'm this because of her. I'm not angry at her and for that matter not even embarrassed of her, rather I understand why she was what she was. 

I think that's the way to be - In peace with who you were and accepting the person you are, whole-heartedly! 💛💛💛

If you've been with me so far, this post is just a reminder that you have the permission to be a different person tomorrow, the next week, the next month, the next year or like me, 7 years from now. As a philosopher once said - "Day by day nothing changes but after a while, everything is different!" (Remembering my friend Andrew who loves punctuations and grammar and gets angry when they aren't used properly). So, give yourself the permission to change, to be a different personality altogether or many different personalities that you can pick and choose from. There is just one life but you have the chance to be different personalities/persona. Embrace change and don't be afraid of growth. 

Oh, by the way, I just realize that my IG handle is "the_infinity_persona." However, I've never thought about the topic this deep before writing this post. Proves that your sub-conscious mind is always aware of who you are, just that your ego wouldn't accept it 😊

Thanks for reading about my metamorphosis. I'd love to hear your stories of change.. 

The first line of my LinkedIn bio is, "Change is the only constant." Who knows after 7 more years, I'll cringe at this post and write another contradictory post of more growth. I'm so eager to meet her though I'm well-aware of the hard journey that I may have to take. 

My new website

One big project that I am working on, thanks to my Digital Marketing Certification course at George Brown college, is my website on Indian Regional Cinema. 

What’s my story?

How many movies do you watch in a week? 1, 2, 5? I watch at least 6 movies

a week. Not just for the story telling but the technicality and art. In plain

words, I am a cinephile.

As Bong Joon Ho said, “Once you overcome the 1-inch-tall barrier

of subtitles, you will be introduced to so many more amazing films”. And I

totally agree with him.

I watch movies of all languages. However, I am partial to movies from India.

One because I lived there for 3 decades and two just because I see that there

is a dire lack of screenings for Indian Regional movies in the GTA.

Pondering over the reason, I found that there is a lack of dialogue, a

community or content around Indian regional movies. Of course, there is a

lot on “Bollywood movies”.

So, this is my passion project. I want to talk about Indian regional cinema,

see if I can lure non-natives towards it and build a community who enjoy

good Indian movies.

So, this is the URL to my website - Indian Regional Cinema Club

There are two blog posts that I wrote here:

Introduction post

Who are we? What do we want to do?

Letting Go

Liberation is to let go. Letting go of your possessions, your sentiments, your comfort zone, your control on life. No thrill equates the feeling of uncertainty, of not knowing what you are going to be doing the next minute. 

It is a task for people of (even) my generation to even imagine this. I learnt this during my Canadian PR journey. When we (me and hubby) were in the process of applying for a PR, we used to get asked, "Do you have a job there?" as the first question, the next would be, "Do you have any friends / relatives there?" and then questions on house, schooling and expenditures follow. When we reply that we do not have a job yet and we are not sure of where we are going to stay, people used give a horrified stare. People are not ready to believe that we can take life as it comes. There always has to be a plan. We want to be sure of what is going to happen the next minute, hour, day, week, month and year. When someone deviates, we are seen as outlandish. 

My husband, at one point in time, was also one in the crowd. He would not let go, he did not believe that we can survive without a job, without a plan. I tried hard and persuaded him, he half-heartedly agreed. Even now, after 10 days of experiencing uncertainty, living without a plan, his old, controlling mind peeps out now and then. But, life has been very good so far, thanks to my cousin and his family - someone who we will be grateful for, all life. 

We never thought that we will have a place to stay, staple food to eat, internet to stay connected. But all these are happening,  thanks to them. When we left India, we never imagined this treatment, we were prepared to sleep in a basement (we did not even carry a single piece of bedding). Yes, we are blessed, there are people who have to sleep in a basement. The point is, letting go of control has not been a curse for us. I will write even when it turns to be one. 

This has been an experiment as well as an experience for us. Thankfully, one that turned out positive. Anything could have happened, we could have had to spend a fortune on AirBnB's, we could have had to eat all new food, we could have not had anything to sleep on, we could have not been able to call home, we could have been miserable with a kid, we could have regretted the decision of moving. 

It may even seem stupid that we did not plan well, that too with a kid. Yes, there are things that we could have done different like bringing a dual sim mobile, bringing in more money or at least having been well-informed on how to transfer money from India to here - these 2 are the most important hurdles for us so far, I'll write down when there are more. Even then, the experiment has been favorable.

As a Ajith movie's dialogue goes, "En vaazhkaila ovvoru naalum, ovvoru nimishamum, en ovvoru nodiyum naane sedhukkinadhu daaaa..." Sometimes, it pays to not follow that :)

P.S.: Our journey of uncertainty has been possible because of fellow human beings and humanity. Let us all believe in and practice the same and enjoy the wonder of life! :)  

Simple life?

Re-reading all your draft posts are really inspiring, sometimes shocking, sometimes meh.

What we write at several points in time is largely based on our experiences / imaginations we had at that time.

When words fail, when you do not know what more to write, writing more helps! Read it again, how ironic, writing helps you write more. Living helps you live more? Sleeping helps you sleep more?!

Hopes and Dreams

Dreams are the elixir of human life.

With the hope that we will be alive tomorrow, we plan today. With the hope that someone will stay true, we plan our life together. With the hope that things will happen in our favor, we make decisions.

What is the seed of our hope? It is our dreams. We want to live life just as good as we imagine (our dreams). Dreams do not have a logic, do not check practicality, not even feasibility or eligibility. Dreams are above boundaries,  they are limitless, with no borders, no rules, no logic.

Coming to think of hopes again, it seems hope, also to a large extent, is like dream. We do not know if our hope is baseless, still we hope.

What happens if our hope gets shattered? We feel disappointed. What if it gets shattered the second time? We start doubting our hope. But the human heart is so stupid that it hopes to hope the same hope over and over and over again that it gets numb of hoping. Still it doesn't stop hoping.

Why, oh, Why?!

Because heart is also to a great extent like dream. It has not learnt it's limits. Failure after failure, defeat after defeat, conceit after conceit, it still hopes for success, victory and trust. It's like a baby that keeps going to the mother even after several times of getting ignored by the latter. Babies aren't stupid but heart is.

Why, oh, Why?!
Is life so complicated?
Is heart so stupid?
Is dream so baseless?
Is brain ignored several times?
Is brain dominated by heart?

Huh. Cos, after all, dreams are the elixir of human life and things are meant to be. 

Dad!

Lonely, depressed and fatigued.

That is all needed for a life to go miserable.

Thank you very much!

Sometimes, not taking care of one's own health is the biggest crime one can commit. This is one crime that'll have a lifelong impact on others, not the one who commits it.

Thank you very much!

Thanks for stealing all our peace, thanks for making us wander ever depressed, thanks for letting us crave for answers to questions unanswered, thanks for frightening us now and then, thanks for leaving a big hole, thanks for making us realize that unexpressed love and affection can also hurt deep, thanks for everything, except one thing. No thanks for dying.

Thank you very much!

It's been very happy to hear mom talk the way she does now, feels elated to know how she thinks you treated her. May be u wanted to treat her better one day but that one day never came at all. So, thanks again for teaching the lesson, take the opportunity when it is on hand. You cud have expressed your love or gratitude at least during the 15 apollo days.

Thank you very much!
Thank you very much!
Thank you very much!! 

On getting cheated

Hmmm.. To cheat is a great skill, coherence of lies should be maintained.
To get cheated is an equal as well. Needs no talent, no brain is to the advantage of a cheater.
But what do you think of someone who can cheat so intellectually. Showing that someone's a good friend, still have mal-intentions, outwardly genuine, inwardly, scared to think what this person will be inwardly!

Wow! Getting cheated by someone whom you trusted is such a great feeling. Am feeling the stab for the second time in my life. Wow! It feels great, really. Each time you get stabbed, its a wow, just wow. The feelings that follow is utter horrible. But the moment of stab and the time till it gets sinked in, it is just euphoric. Out of the world, out of mind, out of the sole purpose of life. Wow! Just Wow!

My dear cheater, you have won my heart in many ways than one. How coherently you have been lying to me all these days! How did you manage to not miss the continuity! How good a story did you form! And kept it so logical, so logical that I believed everything like a blind goat. Is this how a friendship is supposed to be? But I think I got outta your trap at the right moment. The things you started sharing with me, I thought it was true friendship, but now I can see what other intentions you might have had?! What if I had let you continue the story? Where would it have ended?

My dear begone friend, I feel so stupid and dumb for my own self for having spoken all those words of concern to you, for having shared all your "troubles". I feel so stupid on seeing how could somone be so stupid to have got cheated this way! You have made me make like a fool of myself, thank you. Thanks for showing me how bad can I get cheated.

The first time, I knew for quite sometime that I am getting cheated. But this time though it was an unexpected blow. Thank you very much for that. Thanks for showing me that cheaters can be of any form, can manipulate people to whatever extent. And most of all thanks for showing myself, How I get cheated easily(?!) Ha, you really won my dear betrayer friend.

My Valentine's day

I generally do not like to put up posts on my matrimonial relationship. This post is because a chain of thoughts were triggered when a couple of colleagues asked me what plans I had for the Valentine's day that just passed. Main reason for that being I had a love marriage, well I chose my partner, my valentine :) (He fought real hard to marry me <3 <3).The answer for the question was, I did not even wish my husband on the Valentine's day!

Now, I was very worried at the realization, the immediate response was has the love vanished?
But something said, no.
Then a fleet of questions followed.
What happened to the wishes? Gifts?
Calling at 12 in the night (morning?!) to wish on valentine's day? Meet ups?

The answer to all those questions is this post. This is more like a note-to-self kind of post :)

I feel so amused when I recollect Valentine's days of the past. How we weren't able to spend any Valentine's day together before we got married :D The couldn't-be-with-you-this-valentine's messages, Miss you messages, cheesy ones, angry ones. Stealthy meet ups, secret gifts and calls, what not! :D :D

Numerous love yous and miss yous replaced with reached office and reached home replaced with kid's back home and kid ate well. I realize that the love has not vanished but has matured with us, grown with us. In yesteryears, we used to express our love using words, wishes, gifts. Now those are replaced by actions and thoughtfulness.

When I was in great pain after my c-section on the hospital bed, he said I love you in the form of a kiss on my hand when I expressed my pain. My acknowledgement to him for the same was when I decided to get back to work after resigning my job to share his pain of finances though I knew it pains me to leave my kid under the care of someone else.

When he agreed to wear a poonal just because he has to have one to do certain rituals with my family, I got myself accustomed to his family way of praying and celebrations. Can there be a better whatever-for-you message than this?

This morning, when I was not even able to get out of the bed, he just said be-there-for-you-forever by making breakfast and getting the kid ready to school. He got the reply back when I helped him when he was struggling to feed the kid.

These and many more. Oh, yes, I did not wish my husband, my valentine, on the Valentine's day that just passed. But we wish each other and pass messages of love each and everyday through whatever we do for one another. Am so happy to experience this next stage of love :)

Post dedicated to my dear Valentine G <3 :)

Vacations

Vacations!! Vacations are supposed to be relaxing, rejuvenating, recreating or rewinding you to the time of life you lost not so long in the plethora of life chores. If vacations happen to be just the opposite, you come back more tired and exhausted than before. I just had a vacation of the latter kind. Feeling more log-like than when I left, more tired than I was before and more irritated with the routine.

One reason why it turned out sour was that it was a trip that was meant for the unmarried/ married couple and not for family with children. We visited places over places every day with little time to rest. Starting early in the mornings and ending very late in the evenings, kids you know.

Now, I long for my kinda vacation. This my kinda vacation has different meanings based on the phase of life I am in. When I was unmarried, I would have just loved my recent vacation. When I got married, the recent vacation would have been ok with some amount of romance put in (this was more like a ladies and gents separate, college kinds vacation :/). When I have kids, now, I would like to wake up at my pace, relax, spend more time with family, talking and see places that can be seen at a leisure pace. So, after having a real family with kids and all (!!) vacation definition changes to more of relaxation and more family time than exploration and adventure.

Of Mediocrity

There are three kinds of people on this earth -

          Those who excel, those who don't care and then there is a whole lot of "mediocre".

The first two kinds of people do not have much to worry about when it comes to anything in life. The former has it easy and the latter does not even bother. The only category that is hard-hit in any and every aspect of life is the mediocre.

And this post is about
         Those - who have high aspirations but do not know where to start
         Those - who have great ideas but have no idea on how to turn them to reality
         Those - who cannot accept going down to the don't care category
         Those - who can do anything and everything to go up to the excel category but without a clue how
         Those - who, every time, struggle to get things their way
         Those - who are the mediocre.

Living a mediocre life is not easy, yet they form the the majority of the world's population. They can neither wholeheartedly follow people who excel nor give up. However, they make good followers. They have great ideas and can argue well. They weigh advantages and disadvantages of any situation but are scared to take the leap. Their aspirations are sky high but implementation capability is ground zero.

They are the people who have great belief in "Someday and One day". They seem to be the store house of energy and enthusiasm but deep inside, they live a life of misery. Unable to decide, unable to take the leap, unable to take risks, unable to think with a long term vision, unable to foresee situations, they accept whatever comes their way though that whatever is something they wanted never.

They sometimes do not have the knowledge required to take a leap of faith, they are never spotted from the crowd, oh yea, they are after all not excels. They look at excels with a jealousy admiration.

Yes, this is the weirdest post I have ever written in this blog. It lists out the characteristics of mediocre, uses the word mediocre a lot, it is very serious, it maintains a low key and not enthusiastic, it is not fun at all. It is because I decided to write about myself. My mediocre, mediocre self who does not know how to take a step towards changing my life to better, who is a slave of life's commitments, whose dreams and ideas are arrested inside a brain just because it is mediocre.

Yes, you can think of this post as a lament or the voice of a lazy woman or the reflections of an irresponsible human being. I will try hard to prove you wrong as I am a mediocre who cannot give up and go down but fail each time. 

Few Thoughts - actually a note of gratitude

I read a post on writing on the Litagram page on Facebook. It read something on these lines:

 "When it does not come roaring out, don't do it
   When it cannot manifest itself, don't do it:.

I am doing it today as it came roaring outside, it wants to manifest itself. I had the least idea of writing a blog post at 10:17 PM in the night of a working day, but the post wants to get written :)
Even when I write this line, I have the least idea of what am I going to write on this post or am I going to write something at all. It is so fascinating, this writing thing!

I have had some really crazy, hectic times at work. Those times made me realize several things in life. My strength, what  I am capable of, what is my actual weakness is vs. what I thought was my weakness. Most of these things came as a by product of working for KGS for a short time (no, I don't work there now). Which in turn means the realization came as a result of the interactions I had with people at KGS - a wonderful team of people there. If anybody gets a chance to work there, go for it without a second thought. They are the best lot I have ever worked with - real professionals :)

So, people who we meet in our lives shape up our life into something we might not even have imagined of! And that fascinates me a lot! Howsoever matured or capable or grown up you are, you still get influenced by people to a great extent. How one comes out of the influence is up  to the individual's ability. I am so glad that I realized the right things at the right time and all credits go to the team I mentioned above :)

People are fascinating! :)

I did not even think I will write a note of gratitude to my ex-colleagues and friends, but there it has written itself. Feels light, the post is over. Thank you for reading! :)

The Road Not Taken..

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

What has been the aim of life of most people in my generation? There was a well-defined path in the career front paved by people who were older and we had to take the same. The reasons being:

    1) It lead to a safe life style, a proven one with less chances to falter.

    2) We were unaware of any other path or had very less knowledge to boldly venture into        one.

    3) Our parents were afraid that if we do not take the used path, we may end screwing up        our lives.

    4) Parents did not have the time or money to support our dreams.
    5) Parents were unsure of how a job like musician or writer or instrumentalist could help          make a living. 

    What has our path been (at least to most of us)? We had to score high in our Higher Secondary Board exams as well as any and every entrance exam that made us eligible to join a Engineering course. Then choose a specialization of our liking (in Engineering, of course) if we had the privilege to do so (this is influenced by many factors like dream of our parents, cut-off marks we got, whatever course is available after all quota reservation, etc., ) or go with the one we were able to select at the counselling session. Score 70% and above in all Engineering papers so that we were eligible to sit for campus recruitment, fail in one or two aptitude tests, practice hard and crack the third one, clear interviews and wait eagerly for our names to be announced by the company HR in the selected list. 

    Many of you must be remembering how elated we felt at that moment, name getting called out in the selected list!! Woah, as if the whole world is under our feet! :D

    Join our first jobs with great excitement, work hard in training sessions, harder in the project we are assigned to, earn the goodwill of manager, start trying for an on-site opportunity and get one (this depends on many factors as well, let's not dig deep), work double the time we worked off-shore, get frustrated, switch companies, get a PR and citizenship of whichever country we work in, buy property, get married, indebted, think that we have got settled and be happy as if we have achieved everything in life just because "that" anna or akka did the same. 

    That had been our benchmark for at least a decade.

    Oh yea, there are ones who realized mid-way, "Oops, this was not what I wanted to do with my life" and started pursuing their passion - but this, at least in my generation, is a very less percentage, though this is on the increase - thanks to social networking, internet and ubiquitous computing.

    And there are others who want to pursue their passion but cannot really do so as they are afraid of losing monthly income, they are so indebted that they cannot afford to lose job even for a month!! 

    And there are also the ones who think that they were born to live the way described above and be happy and content with it - I respect you guys and would love to be like you, just that there is a problem with this heck of a mind of mine.. :)

    Looking back, I wonder what did I want to do with my life when I was 10, 12 and 15 years old and what I am doing now - My path has definitely got deviated from dreams of becoming a teacher, writer and architect to what I am today because of one of the reasons listed above. I am unable to get back to my dreams mid-way as I belong to the category of indebted.. 

However, there is still hope. I can still support someone who wants to live their dream - that someone will be my child. Yes, we can definitely support our next generation to live their dream life and help them realize and unleash their potential to the maximum possible extent. I am happy to see that kids of today do not have the "Following" mentality, they are more original and independent. With access to a whole world of information and contacts at the click of a mouse, the current generation possess what it takes to realize it's dreams and also make a living out of it. 

I would like to quote here my uncle's daughter Malini Venkatraman. She is a budding writer. Her imagination and creativity at the age of 8 is very mature. The flow of thought in her stories and the language amazes me. She is an example of how talented our next generation is. Her parents are very supportive of her and would still support her when she wants to take up writing or arts for a career. I am sure, this will happen with many kids of our generation. 

The next generation will have no regrets about the road they were unable to take because there will be none. 

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
     I took the one less traveled by,
     And that has made all the difference.

Storyline

What happens when a girl who does not want to grow up, who does not want to get into the "adult world" (as she calls it) has to go through events like marriage and child birth? What happens if she gets called "Aunty" by other kids when within herself, she is not even mature enough to be a wife?

What happens if a girl wonders at the task given to her at office - "how do they trust me with such a big responsibility?", what happens if a girl does not realize how old she is and what her responsibilities are and wonder at others of her age who act like "big" people?

Have you ever heard of a girl who wonders what her own personality is when she is just about 30 years old and feels lost? Heard of a girl who is in search of who she actually is and where she lost her identity in life? Known anyone who always attributed herself with people who she is related to and not build up a character of her own? Have you been friends with a girl for whom recognition from close ones means life? Know a girl who is always dependent on others?

Know a lady who does even the smallest thing wrong and gets corrected always and falls short in all ways? Who never gets appreciated for her small acts and so thinks that she has to work harder? Know a lady who did not realize what her self worth is for most part of her life?

Ever heard of a woman who realized all the above said when she was just about 30 and started mending her life? Picked up shattered pieces of her personality lost along the journey of life and put them all together to build up a whole new her? Who started realizing what self worth and self respect is? One who ponders often how does one learn to be responsible? How does one become mature?

I am thinking of writing a story about her. She who can be described as above.
What do you think about this girl? Please let me know. All inputs are welcome.

Thankful!